Introduction and Virgin Post

The Captain is launching a fabulous new online magazine called “Vicarious Living,” which is my tacit acknowledgement that, although I’ve never really grown up, I’m getting old and find it far more convenient to live vicariously through the actions and adventures of others, especially younger others, from the safety and comfort of the couch next to the wet bar. You’ll immediately notice that it’s not really a magazine, but a random selection of illustrative events as they strike my fancy. It’s just that “Vicarious Living” is such a great name for a magazine, so why quibble over reality when you can invent your own (one of my strengths you must admit). I’m even thinking about entering the world of Twitter to Tweet my observations; more to come on that. But for now consider yourself literary hipsters for being the first customers as I launch my new viral magazine, “Vicarious Living.” (Non sequitur: Much fun has been had at the expense of invented Twitter puns, such as “Twit,” “Twat,” and “Tweet.” The Davinci Code guy in me noticed a hidden message if you take out the letter “W” from these words. “Tit,” “Tat,” and “Teet” all refer to the same thing, spelling aside. I bet the guy who invented Twitter was never breast fed and is subconsciously compensating for a lack of intimacy with his mother. Just sayin”…

• Teenage Daughter Vicarious Moments

o BFF #1 and BFF #2 are feuding because BFF #2 does not approve of BFF #1 dating much older “Loser” Boyfriend (BF); that, and the fact that said loser BF commonly refers to BFF #2 as fat – IN HER PRESENCE. Teenage daughter (TAD) intervenes to make peace and is verbally bitch slapped by BFF#1 for failure to defend loser BF. TAD returns volley and the apocalypse is now imminent. Stay tuned for further developments on the possible end of the world…I love eschatological drama!

• Teenage Son who’s a Freshman in college Vicarious Moments

o Went on a road trip to visit son down in Washington, DC, for a weekend of male bonding. Had a nice chat with son’s roommate, who invited me to follow him into his dorm room wardrobe to “visit Narnia” and ##### some ###. After a rather mind bending visit, we returned and headed into the city to catch a concert at The Black Cat nightclub. In preparation, we ##### some ##### in the parking lot, followed by some ####### ######, after which we felt better and went inside, where we discussed foreign policy with some coeds, who really didn’t know too much about that but were very well versed in ####### positions, which made for some stimulating conversation. Drank tequila from teeny little glasses, ##### some more, felt better, and started all over again. After the show, stopped by the famous Ben’s Chili Bowl for some chili dogs, which, in hindsight (pun intended), was a mistake. Had to pull over on the way back to campus on Capitol Ave. to run into an alley to #### a #### in plain view of the Capitol building – very patriotic. Made it safely back to son’s dorm room, pulled his roommate off the floor, locked up his #### ###, placed him more or less gently on his bed, and retired for the evening. A good time was had by all!

• Confirmed Bachelor Neighbor Vicarious Moments.

o There is a pattern to this one. Confirmed Bachelor recently completed work on luxuriant outbuilding with heat, hot tub, fully-stocked bar, and shag, yes, shag, carpeting, to host some non-Olympic Winter events for 20 something women or, as we like to call them, the Vicarious Vixens. If the windows are so steamed up that Peeping Tom’s can no longer see anything, then we know he medaled. For dramatic effect, we vicarious sycophants sing the National Anthem. But the real drama is all in the hair color. Tuesday it was a real blonde, Thursday peroxide one, Friday a brunette, Saturday a redhead and some moderate property damage, and then Sunday a shock – a salt and pepper! Intriguing…

Believe The Captain when he says: when living vicariously through others, choose your subjects carefully, because being an “accessory” is apparently a crime in some jurisdictions.

Yours blanking a blanking blank,

The Captain