Sky Mall Time Capsule

Remember that 6th grade social studies project where you and your classmates assembled a limited assortment of objects that told the story of your generation to bury in a Time Capsule for the archaeologists and anthropologists of tomorrow to uncover and deride us for our cultural silliness? I always thought the contrived nature of the experiment rendered it meaningless, because such a limited sampling could not possibly provide future historians with enough data to draw any hard conclusions. But after my flight to Orlando recently, I have reversed course, having found the quintessential Time Capsule filler – the Sky Mall Magazine! Anyone who’s ever taken a commercial jetliner in the USA has read Sky Mall.

Why, you ask, such an unconventional publication, as opposed to the more traditional offerings of Playboy or Penthouse? Two reasons. First, it’s free. Think about it. Who’d pay for Sky Mall?? Second, the sex theme is old and tired, with the ancient Romans perfecting heterosexual licentiousness with the Greeks bringing up the rear for the homo-erotic piece (pun intended). OK, there is a third reason. It’s a perfect microcosm of the world’s very first Consumer-based Civilization. Our true nature is revealed in the crap that we buy and sell and Sky Mall has a little bit of everything and then some.

So if I was a 25th century archaeologist digging through the ruins of the Consumer Civilization and uncovered The Captain’s Time Capsule and read through Sky Mall, what might I conclude about my ancestors?? Well, I spent an inordinate amount of time actually reading Sky Mall recently (just like I used to actually read the insightful and informative articles in Playboy), so I can answer that question – this is my blog, after all.

• Human beings systematically treated pets better than they treated each other.

o Luxury Pet Residence (OK, it’s really just a metal cage with a pillow floor and some mahogany trim slapped on it); half of the world’s human children go to bed cold and hungry, but for $400 Fido can crash in style in his luxury dog condo, munching on bacon flavored doggy treats – bacon flavored!!!. Add the Orthopedic Comfy Couch for only $170.

o It was once customary to take one’s dog outside of the human dwelling to do his duty in the woods or in the corner of the neighbor’s yard, but sometime in the 21st century it became fashionable to buy artificial pooping turf to keep inside the house for Lassie to shit upon. Yes, I’m talking about the Indoor Dog Restroom. Below is the add, word for word; not because I’m being lazy, but because it’s just so damned funny it needs no commentary or embellishment.

Indoor Dog Restroom
This mat-and-tray system gives dogs a place to relieve themselves when they can't get outside for respite. Ideal for high rise-dwelling dogs, when owners aren't home, or even just for times of harsh weather, this ingenious system uses a mat made of antimicrobial, porous artificial turf that gives off an organic scent to attract dogs, so they can be taught quickly that it is an acceptable spot for relieving themselves.
The mat sits on top of a plastic insert which allows liquid to drain into the included tray for easy clean-up. The turf yarn is a unique construction specially designed for use with dogs, and its antimicrobial composition helps prevent odors. The tray is easy to empty and can hold up to two gallons of liquid. 2" H x 30" W x 20" L. (6-1/2 lbs.)

o There are two possible conclusions to be drawn from this historical development: one is that humans had evolved to the point where a highly developed sense of smell was no longer needed for survival; another is that humans had long before reached their intellectual peak and their brains had already turned to mush.

• Human beings got off on sports as opposed to each other.

o Whereas there was a gadget or useless decorative item for every sports team imaginable (they were selling decrepit seats from an old, torn down church called Cathedral Yankee Stadium), there were no posters or videos of attractive naked humans for sale. Back in the day, masturbation was inspired by Miss January, or Mister February; now, kids do it to life sized posters of their favorite ne’er grew up sports hero. I liked our way better. Still do.

o Giant NFL Inflatable Bubba. It’s real. Professional football and prison sex coming to a bedroom or hidden basement chamber near you. The beginning of the end for Consumer Civilization (once again, pun intended).

• Finally, perhaps humans of my time gave up the ghost of sanity, blurring – nay, detonating – the line between survival and socialization.

o My favorite example of this is Wrenchware Flatware – tools that double as flatware, or vice versa, made from drop forged stainless steel. Get a three piece setting for only $27!

So believe The Captain when he asks: Does a bear shit in the woods? And answers: Yes! On the gold encrusted Woodland Bear Throne available exclusively through Sky Mall!

Yours pouring kitty litter on my Yankee Stadium Cathedral seat,

The Captain

The Indoor Dog Restroom aka the end of Consumer Civilization as we know it.

Introduction and Virgin Post

The Captain is launching a fabulous new online magazine called “Vicarious Living,” which is my tacit acknowledgement that, although I’ve never really grown up, I’m getting old and find it far more convenient to live vicariously through the actions and adventures of others, especially younger others, from the safety and comfort of the couch next to the wet bar. You’ll immediately notice that it’s not really a magazine, but a random selection of illustrative events as they strike my fancy. It’s just that “Vicarious Living” is such a great name for a magazine, so why quibble over reality when you can invent your own (one of my strengths you must admit). I’m even thinking about entering the world of Twitter to Tweet my observations; more to come on that. But for now consider yourself literary hipsters for being the first customers as I launch my new viral magazine, “Vicarious Living.” (Non sequitur: Much fun has been had at the expense of invented Twitter puns, such as “Twit,” “Twat,” and “Tweet.” The Davinci Code guy in me noticed a hidden message if you take out the letter “W” from these words. “Tit,” “Tat,” and “Teet” all refer to the same thing, spelling aside. I bet the guy who invented Twitter was never breast fed and is subconsciously compensating for a lack of intimacy with his mother. Just sayin”…

• Teenage Daughter Vicarious Moments

o BFF #1 and BFF #2 are feuding because BFF #2 does not approve of BFF #1 dating much older “Loser” Boyfriend (BF); that, and the fact that said loser BF commonly refers to BFF #2 as fat – IN HER PRESENCE. Teenage daughter (TAD) intervenes to make peace and is verbally bitch slapped by BFF#1 for failure to defend loser BF. TAD returns volley and the apocalypse is now imminent. Stay tuned for further developments on the possible end of the world…I love eschatological drama!

• Teenage Son who’s a Freshman in college Vicarious Moments

o Went on a road trip to visit son down in Washington, DC, for a weekend of male bonding. Had a nice chat with son’s roommate, who invited me to follow him into his dorm room wardrobe to “visit Narnia” and ##### some ###. After a rather mind bending visit, we returned and headed into the city to catch a concert at The Black Cat nightclub. In preparation, we ##### some ##### in the parking lot, followed by some ####### ######, after which we felt better and went inside, where we discussed foreign policy with some coeds, who really didn’t know too much about that but were very well versed in ####### positions, which made for some stimulating conversation. Drank tequila from teeny little glasses, ##### some more, felt better, and started all over again. After the show, stopped by the famous Ben’s Chili Bowl for some chili dogs, which, in hindsight (pun intended), was a mistake. Had to pull over on the way back to campus on Capitol Ave. to run into an alley to #### a #### in plain view of the Capitol building – very patriotic. Made it safely back to son’s dorm room, pulled his roommate off the floor, locked up his #### ###, placed him more or less gently on his bed, and retired for the evening. A good time was had by all!

• Confirmed Bachelor Neighbor Vicarious Moments.

o There is a pattern to this one. Confirmed Bachelor recently completed work on luxuriant outbuilding with heat, hot tub, fully-stocked bar, and shag, yes, shag, carpeting, to host some non-Olympic Winter events for 20 something women or, as we like to call them, the Vicarious Vixens. If the windows are so steamed up that Peeping Tom’s can no longer see anything, then we know he medaled. For dramatic effect, we vicarious sycophants sing the National Anthem. But the real drama is all in the hair color. Tuesday it was a real blonde, Thursday peroxide one, Friday a brunette, Saturday a redhead and some moderate property damage, and then Sunday a shock – a salt and pepper! Intriguing…

Believe The Captain when he says: when living vicariously through others, choose your subjects carefully, because being an “accessory” is apparently a crime in some jurisdictions.

Yours blanking a blanking blank,

The Captain